Dear Children,
This is your father, Anthony Richard Fernandez, writing to you. It is most likely that this will be my only entry into this blog, but I thought I'd give it a try. It's purpose, this blog, is to impart my experiences and knowledge to you should something befall me before I can do it myself in person. Even as I wrote that sentence I wanted to take it back. Thinking of dying, or failing at this blog, feels as if I'm willing it happen by throwing the possibility out into the ether, daring the universe to make it come true. Bad juju.
As superstitious as I am I will still continue on in the hopes that my writing might give myself some reflection on my own parenting job and give insight on how I can become a better father and husband. I will write about my day at work or the morning at home or about the weekend; whatever I feel is important that day. Some days I will skip, and others I will revisit many times. I do this because I am simultaneously filled with joy and fear of the future.
Each and every day I see you, Leo and Elena, grow. Each day I am amazed at things you can do and it makes me so proud to be your father. I can't wait for you to grow up to see what you will become, what amazing things you will do. Then I see the world around and remember growing up myself. All the dangers of our world and all the poor choices I've made throughout my life. At times I think that I'm lucky to be alive. Perhaps one day I'll tell you of those mistakes and hopefully how to avoid them. You may judge me, and that's ok. So long as you learn something and avoid those same mistakes then I will accept your ridicule and be glad that you safe. I know that I can't protect you from everything and that I actually shouldn't. A huge part of who I am today is because of those poor choices and how I dealt with them. How we deal with our pain, suffering, and mistakes is what makes us who we are, more than our successes and joyful times.
If I can give you a motto to live by, something that I myself repeat over and over in my head, something that I say to myself in times of great trouble:
You WILL fail,
You WILL faulter,
And...
You WILL get back up and do better.
I can't tell you how many times I've had to say to myself "Fuck you world!! You can't beat me!" I know that sounds cheesy, but I literally have said that out loud in the car while I was going through tough times, often through watery eyes. Anger and grit got me through those times. You may have a different way of dealing with your pain. Lean on your friends, your family, on me. I will always help you.
I originally began writing this because of a bad feeling I got today. I don't really know why. It bothers me the more I think about it, but most likely it is all in my head. Perhaps it is the context of the week. Let me elaborate.
On this, the week of January 10th, 2016 there were two major deaths that affected me. The first was that weekend, David Bowie. He died after a battle with cancer and his music was influential in my life. His music I enjoyed, but as an artist I had a much deeper respect. His art was a true projection of his soul, something that I hope you to can emulate one day. Be who you are, I will accept you.
The second was Alan Rickman, who those less influential in my life was nonetheless missed. He played Severus Snape in the Harry Potter films (which you will know at some point I hope) and was also an excellent villain in the greatest Christmas movie of all time Die Hard. He had dozens of roles that cherish and it was sad that I would not see him in another role again. All that death probably got me thinking of my own end and what I would like to impart upon the world. But what is the world to me? The two of you, Leo and Elena, and you mother are my world. Without you there is nothing.
And so I write to you and will continue to write (when I can remember). Sorry for the lengthy and depressing post, but this is where it starts. Hopefully it will end with joy and ... beer. Yeah, beer. :)
Your father
